Sweetness, Clarity

Poetry by friend Robbie Carlton: http://art.robbiecarlton.com/10-poems

A lot of things are happening right now.

Last weekend, I spent two hours on the bathroom floor crying, kicking, screaming, banging my head. I was being witnessed the entire time, and episodes like that are releasing, but exhausting. I don't imagine that the people who are holding me will have much tolerance for that much longer - and suddenly I'm in relationship with what has me go unconscious like that. Several days later, we did mushrooms - doing it intentionally to explore what comes up. I was a mess at times that night, and after some hours of support from Jason, that passed too. However, that brought up some things by my other friends/supports/participants. These are part the consequent conversations addressed to most of the participants:

Subject: sweet clarity

Something became clear to me this morning as I integrate the last journey, a piece around "tolerating" or appreciating where people are unconscious. I have an 90 year old aunt who I certainly catch in unconscious patterns, and I can (albeith sadly) appreciate her there. Ninety years in, it seems harsh to point out things that haven't already become self evident, though I do try and make gentle points when she is suffering.

With Cindy I have less tolerance for it because she's choosing to live in a community and surround herself with friends that are explicitly getting in relationship with their unconscious parts, and who make no show to hide it. I hold her to a differnet standard. (Cindy, we were discussing what to do/how to act with you in these states, while you were with Jason.)

What I would be wary of is the slippery slope of spiritual bypass. For example, I was feeling annoyed and disappointed when Cindy left the room and was holding that as best I could for myself. Appreciating her where she was at would've been leaping over my actual experience and would've served no one, least of all myself.

xokeli

In reply:

Keli,

Thank you. I feel called and held in the standard that you have for me, and I have a lot of respect for you wanting that in the quality of our relating.

I want to riff what I think goes on for me - and in wanting more/betterment for myself and for the people around me, I want us to relate in continuous "mutual benefit." Here goes.

The awareness that I have around my unconscious victimization is riddled with shame. To have "tolerance" for me in this place is obviously not something that I'm wanting. I know the particular work that I've been practicing for this is to love myself, understand what it is in the moment that triggers me to go unconscious, and to accept that there is really nothing wrong with me in the present - to let it go. And while I want to hold myself in this place, I have only discovered this lifelong patterning in relationship with others, and support - the kind that won't have me spiral into further emotional blindness - looks like loving me from the abstraction of "okay, she's in it." This may be lovingly acknowledging that I'm hiding something underneath the emotionality - and making fun of me, or whatever it is to not buy into my spiral. This will help me break out of the victimizing thoughts that are running. When I think that I'm under attacked or not cared for in the acknowledgment, anger gets introduced into the victimization, and I'm replaying the felt memories of baby Cindy crying and crying for someone to come nurture her and never getting held. I want to practice enough to be able to do this for myself - and as I'm getting there and slowly allowing myself to be present to it with others, I'll appreciate the support that I *think* will benefit me - if you're willing.

Muchos amores for you, sister.
Cindy

Currently, the third Train the Trainer weekend is occurring at the Annex. I had the first circle, and the worst parts of me - the anger, the judgment of others not being able to hold me all streamed out. I think I'm very challenging to circle - a "hall of mirrors." Or "catch me if you can" - a challenge that is even there for myself.

I'm also moving out of the Annex - around the block. I won't be living in a conscious household; these people are my college classmates, who I have a lot of social triggers around. I'm excited to leave my warm, incredibly safe cave to a place of severe unconscious impact. I'll have my own space, practice living out in the world instead of a cave, and also to return to the cave whenever I want to. I am only a three minute walk away.

I need to make a list of things that I want. Post TBA on Bird Gehrl.

Love.